This is a Bird
Please don’t ask me how it flies.
I have no idea.
I could say ‘just flap your wings.’
And pray you don’t go up on the roof and start flapping as you leap.
A really bad idea indeed.
This is an Airplane
Airplane flying? Same answer.
I hope you don’t find out too soon how clueless parents are!
This is a Bicycle
You’ll have a bunch of these in your life.
So learn how to ride now!
Tricycle
to trike with training wheels,
to two wheeler,
to road bike,
to e-bike,
then back to
Tricycle.
You and Grandma are now riding on the same set of wheels.
Study her technique and get out there.
This is a Grandma
She’s a nice lady with lots of wrinkles.
Grandma will smother you with hugs and kisses.
Let her.
There’s no way out.
It’s just what Grandmas do.
She’s hard wired for this behavior.
This is a Grandpa
Another wrinkly old human.
Count on him for
introducing you to ice cream cones,
stories that will bore you to tears, and
meaningless advice on just about everything.
Be nice to him.
Nod and grin at his jokes.
He’s just trying his best.
This is Broccoli
It’s funny looking.
Looks like a plant, not at all like food.
Tastes terrible going down.
Think of it as an admission ticket to dessert.
No broccoli, no dessert.
We know – not fair.
Your first real life lesson.
This is Healthy Foods
See Broccoli – same story.
Ask your parents why French Fries are not a healthy food.
After all, they’re potatoes.
Ask your parents why we call them French?
Watch them squirm for an answer.
Because deep down - they truly don’t know.
This is a Mom
Ever wonder who makes up these ‘Eat your Broccoli, not French Fries’ rules?
Here’s a little secret.
Your mom didn’t like broccoli either when she was your age.
She definitely did like French fries (she still does!)
But she now has to wear her Mommy-Costume all the time!
Don’t ask Dad to explain this.
He can’t.
He can’t believe she turned into a Mom either.
This is a Dad
He’s goofy.
He thinks he’s funny (he’s not).
His pants are hiked up too high.
He laughs at his own jokes.
Pity him.
Tolerate him.
After all, he had to learn all this in a hurry when your Mom went into labor.
This is Parents
Please don’t ask them too many questions.
They are sleep deprived (no thanks to you)!
Pity them.
They are winging it every single day.
They need a license to drive; but they don’t need a license to raise you.
Go figure?!
You are born. No manual comes with you.
Then, without any training or experience whatsoever, they bring you home.
And they are supposed to know what to do with you.
Really? Is that fair?
So be nice.
This is a Dog
It is not a person. It is a pet.
No names like Harry, Murray or Frank.
Those are human names.
Think of some dog names.
Ask your grandparents what they called their dogs. Those are dog names.
Dogs should not be in strollers.
They have four legs, not two.
Tell them strollers are for baby humans and really old humans.
Dogs can trot just fine without them.
Being a dog, should they be in restaurants, bars, food stores, or airplanes?
Ask your grandparents.
They’ll tell you.
This is a Zoo
A zoo is filled with animals – like ferrets, lizards, snakes, and iguanas.
That’s why it’s called a zoo, and not your home.
So don’t ask for zoo animals as pets. Pets are for home.
Do you see dogs, cats or goldfish in a zoo?
No, you don’t.
Because they are pets.
Got it?
This is a Baby Brother
Treat him like a pet or a dress-up doll.
You will maintain this balance of power for years until he finally figures out that he’s a Free Man.
And doesn’t have to listen you anymore!!
This is a Big Sister.
She is to be feared and dreaded.
She treats you like a pet or a dress-up doll.
She and her friends tell each other how annoying baby brothers are.
They think baby brothers are deaf.
They think baby brothers will never plot revenge.
They’re in for a surprise one day!
This is a Watch
A bracelet with a circle on it.
People call it a watch. The watch has hands.
What’s it watching? Hands?
Don’t ask them why.
They don’t know. No one does.
Another of life’s mysteries.
It’s a surefire way to identify old people.
They all seem to wear these things.
This is a Book
Can you imagine that not having a computer, tablet or phone to read stuff on?
Weird isn’t it?
Your dad or grandpa will bore you with stories of their books.
How they used to collect them on shelves.
Practice your eye roll right now.
This is a Newspaper
Again, an old people thing.
They are useful.
You can stuff them into sneakers when they get wet.
You can line the bottom of your cat’s poop area.
But they are already a day old and useless by the time you get them.
Everyone has read the same stuff online the night before.
Don’t worry.
They will be gone by the time you will care about the news.
This is a Teacher
Yes. You have to go to school every single day.
Your parents must have read this somewhere.
Every parent seems to have read the same thing.
Every day – School.
Guess who is there.
Every. Single. Day.
A teacher.
Pity them.
You outnumber them 25 to 1. Odds are in your favor.
But they need to remind you who is in charge.
It’s exhausting.
Feel bad for them at the end of the day when they put their head on their desk and nap.
They are just resting up for class tomorrow!